Dear John: A Divorce of Convenience
John Simpson, GoLocalProv Advice Columnist
Dear John: A Divorce of Convenience
Dear John,
Like many older Americans, my wife and I are in our 50s and 60s and equally underemployed. This is the second marriage for both of us. We've been married almost 5 years now. My guess is like many marriages under these chronic economic circumstances, we have a lousy marriage that's tolerated by both of us primarily because we've figured out how to be good roommates. There are some serious issues including her being an adult child of alcoholic parents and me having been spoiled as a kid.
GET THE LATEST BREAKING NEWS HERE -- SIGN UP FOR GOLOCAL FREE DAILY EBLASTRegardless, I have an idea that I haven't seen any discourse about at all.
What if we both agree, in writing with a postnuptial agreement, that we socially consider ourselves single for the purposes of finding a new mate, outlining agreeable terms for living within the situation, and agreeing in advance about what happens if either of us finds ourselves in another serious relationship, calling for the specifics of grounds for divorce. That will allow both of us to pursue a better life with other partners. I'm hoping that other singles who respect our ability to agree to such a setup will respect us, allowing for building a good relationship with them, perhaps calling for the same agreement to be in place as a prenuptial for a subsequent living relationship between new partners.
One thing that will be helpful for me regardless is bringing the idea of the agreement to bear with my wife as a positive action on my part to attempt to resolve our marriage problems, perhaps once and for all depending on her reaction. I'm willing to take that risk if I have the law behind me. Obviously I need to check with an attorney and I'm ready (as I'll ever be) to end the marriage if she goes ballistic with the idea.
I'm not optimistic, and I continuously wonder if I'm simply enabling her and my bad behaviors in the marriage by imagining this. On the other hand, sharing household expenses and the company of good “roommates” is not terrible – it’s actually working pretty well. We're fairly well emotionally isolated from each other and I have firm boundaries about her bad behavior that she tolerates and vice-versa. Another complicating factor is her 16-year-old son, who's a great kid. He's a joint responsibility that I'm doing my fair share in supporting, and this arrangement can help keep him safe, perhaps until he's 18.
Things will get tricky as we develop another relationship outside the marriage, but as I suggest, the agreement can have a "Good for you, go for it, you're out of here under these circumstances" clause, calling for an agreed upon move-out and final divorce procedure which would need to include a "no new relationship activities at home" privacy provision.
Even writing this letter helps – thanks. So, whaddaya think?
Signed,
Need To Do Something
Dear Need To Do Something,
I’m sympathetic with what’s driven you to this – the economic pressures of chronic underemployment, the feeling that being with the wrong person is better than being alone – but I still think it’s unwise.
Your idea assumes that being paired up with someone, whether emotionally or simply economically, is some kind of default state. But what someone in your situation needs more than anything is time alone after a failed relationship. Not solitude, mind you, but you have to spend some time as a single person examining where things went wrong in this marriage before you just go jumping into the next one. Otherwise, what’s going to change? You’re perceptive to realize that you brought some significant baggage into this relationship; it’s not “all her.” But if you don’t take some time to unload that baggage before getting involved with someone new, the very same problems are going to be there waiting for you.
And look at your proposal from the point of view of your hypothetical future partner – here’s a guy whose marriage was on life support, but he was waiting for the next prospect to come along to finally pull the plug. Would you be eager to enter into a relationship with that guy – one who doesn’t see the need for a moment’s pause between the failure of one relationship and the start of the next one?
If your marriage is truly over, get a divorce and move out. Make a life for yourself by yourself. Consider getting into therapy to explore those issues you know you have. Be an independent person trying to understand himself more and learning how to be a better partner and you will be taking positive steps toward ensuring that your next marriage (if there is one!) won’t need things like post-nuptial agreements to sort out the inevitable breakup.
One more thing that’s not directly related to your question: It’s wonderful that you care about your wife’s son and his position in this. I think your postnuptial agreement teaches him a poor lesson in how to respond to a failing relationship. And if you do split up with your wife, I hope you talk with her about working together to help him through this. Divorce isn’t only hard on little kids; older ones suffer, too.
Dear John,
What do you do about a woman who is always breaking dates at the last minute but who insists I shouldn’t “read anything into it” when she does? I just counted and we have planned eight dates together. And we’ve actually had a grand total of…one. This would be a lot easier if that one hadn’t been so great and left me with the feeling that we could really be great together. But I can’t really find out if that’s the case if we can never get a second date. I’m baffled – I can’t imagine having to break so many dates as anything other than wanting to get out of them, but like I said, she insists she had fun when we went out, she really wants to do it again, and this has just been a string of unbelievably bad luck. I want top believe her, especially when it would be the easiest thing in the world for her to say, “I’ve had second thoughts and I don’t think this is such a great idea.” Then this would be done. I’ve never gotten such mixed signals in my life. Should I just give up? Give it one more chance? I need help.
Sincerely,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Some people are so conflict averse, they can’t bring themselves to give people upsetting news, even if doing so would avoid situations like the one you describe. I’m not saying that’s the case with this woman, but it’s at least as likely an explanation as a string of “unbelievably bad luck.” I would make one more date with her – maybe her luck will change. But if she calls you up saying, “You’re not going to believe this, but…,” tell her that you understand, and to make this easier, why doesn’t she just call you when her calendar is a little less volatile and the two of you can plan a date with a reasonable chance that it will actually happen. If she calls, you’ll have your answer. And if she doesn’t, you’ll have it then, too.
Dear John,
I’ve been seeing a girl for a while that I know for a fact about a year ago had sex with another couple – her, her boyfriend at the time, and this other couple. I’m friends with the guy involved (not her ex-boyfriend). That’s how I know.
I really like her, but this makes me question her judgment a little bit. We’ve talked quite a bit about past relationships and issues, so there has been ample opportunity for her to bring this up, but she hasn’t. And I wish she would because I want to be able to talk with her about it and find out how it happened and what she was thinking so I know if this was a one-time thing or something she’s going to suggest with me eventually, because I want no part of it and if it’s something that’s a deal-breaker for her we may as well just get that out there now.
So I’m thinking of asking her about it instead of waiting for her to bring it up when she may not. I want to bring it up in a non-judgmental way that does not make her feel ashamed or defensive, so how can I do this?
Signed,
Four’s A Crowd
Dear Four’s A Crowd,
Well, it sounds like you expect her to explain and justify something you find at least mildly repellent – something that happened before she even knew you and is really none of your business, at least until she chooses to make it your business. It’s hard for me to see how you can bring this up in a non-judgmental way that won’t make her feel defensive when that seems to be the entire point – judging her and making her feel defensive.
She doesn’t have to justify this to you. If she chooses to trust you enough to talk about it, then she will, but until that time, forget about it. And if you can’t, do her a favor and move on. Spare her the need to explain everything she’s done in the past that might not meet with your approval.
And why is she the only one who owes you an explanation for this? Did you grill your pot-stirring buddy, too?
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
Spring Has Arrived: 25 Great Events in New England
New England Family Fun Festival
Providence, RI - April 26-27, 2014
In April, the Rhode Island Convention Center will host The New England Family Fun Festival, which offers fun and educational activities for the entire family. The festivities will include rides, games, bounce houses, face painting, rock climbing, live performances by The Toe Jam Puppet Band, Vanessa Trien, Story Tellers Len Cabral, Carolyn Martino, Tammy Titus and Valerie Tutson, Marine Biology and Aquarium by Biomes, Arts & Workshops and the Providence Friar’s Official DJ, Finesse playing music during family competitions like Lego building and Simon Says. Festivities will take place from 11 a.m. - 8 p.m.
Admission: $12 for adults, $7 for kids
For more information, click here.
118th Boston Marathon
Boston, MA - April 21, 2014
The Boston Marathon is the world’s oldest annual marathon and one of the world’s best-known road racing events with over 20,000 participants. Amateur and professional runners flock to Boston from all over the world to compete on the hilly terrain. The race starts west of the city in Hopkinton and ends in Boston. Approximately 500,000 spectators line the 26.2-mile course each year, making the Boston Marathon New England’s most widely viewed sporting event.
For more information, click here.
Virtu Art Festival
Westerly, RI - May 24-25
More than 185 selected artists from New England and beyond participate in this free two-day exhibit and sale of artwork and fine crafts. Featuring food, live entertainment and free children’s activities. This event, which will be held at Wilcox Park, will take place rain or shine.
For more information, click here.
Knights! Community Day Renaissance Faire
Worcester, MA - March 28-30, 2014
Later this month, the Worcester Art Museum will celebrate the opening of Knights!, a major arms and armor exhibition. The festivities include music; costumed performers; theater; storytelling; and art making workshops. On Saturday, come dressed as your favorite historical figure: knights, pirates, princesses, and more. On Sunday, the museum will celebrate fantasy. Dress as an inspired super hero and enjoy all the fairies, wizards, and other colorful characters wandering around the galleries. Each day will have great food and beverages for sale.
For more information, click here.
Pond Skimming at Sugarbush
Lincoln Peak, VT - March 29, 2014
An excellent spectator event, the "Annual Rite of Spring at Sugarbush" is oldest continually running pond skimming event in the country. Dive right into spring in your craziest costume. Registration from 9am-11am in the Gate House Cafeteria. Limited to the first 100 competitors.
For more information, click here.
The Annual Bud Light Reggae Fest
Carrabassett Valley, ME - April 10-13, 2014
Held at the Sugarloaf Mountain Resort, this annual spring party draws thousands of spring skiing and reggae enthusiasts to the mountains of Maine. Jam out to sensational reggae tunes. The biggest winter music event in Maine mixes with perfect spring skiing.
For more information, click here.
Gaspee Days Celebration
Warwick, RI - June 13-15
In June of 1772 brave colonists from Rhode Island burned the British revenue schooner, HMS Gaspee, in what has become recognized as the first overt action leading to the American Revolutionary War. Since 1965, the village of Pawtuxet has commemorated this act with its annual Gaspee Days Celebration. The event features colonial fife and drum corps, Civil War era units, modern day drum and bugle corps, and more.
For more information, click here.
Wildquack Duck River Festival
Jackson, NH - May 25, 2014
Held at Jackson Village Park, this outdoor action-packed day in the White Mountains of New Hampshire brings singles, families, strangers, businesses and guests all together to forget about life’s trials and tribulations if only for a few short hours. Laugh out loud as 3,500 yellow rubber ducks make their way downstream to the finish line.
For more information, click here.
The Atlantic Cup
Newport, RI - May 24-25, 2014
Pack a picnic and come down to Fort Adams for the Atlantic Cup's Inshore Series. Teams will race in Narragansett Bay in the third and final leg of America's only Class 40 sailing race. With an up close view of the start and finish line, live commentary and fun activities for all ages, you won't want to miss any of the action.
For more information, click here.
1st Annual 4B Festival
New Haven, CT - March 22, 2014
From craft brews to bacon, bourbons to barbecue; come enjoy the finest flavors from around the region to tantalize your taste buds and tickle your senses. The 4B Festival will bring together national and local purveyors all in one place to offer the most delicious and creative samplings to “4B” aficionados, all highlighted with musical performances, interactive art displays and live competitions among home brewers, BBQ taste tests and a bacon eating contest for the real meat eaters. If you wish to purchase tickets, act quickly because only limited quantities are left.
For more information, click here.
Great Chowder Cook-off
Newport, RI - June 7, 2014
Sponsored by Polar Seltzer, the Newport's Great Chowder Cook-off is the largest and longest running (over 30 years), chowder festival in New England. Located right in the buzz of historic downtown Newport, this event features national and regional competitors. Festival-goers will taste-test a myriad of traditional and exotic chowders from all kitchens, then vote for the best in three categories: Clam, Seafood and Creative.
For more information, click here.
Worcester VegFest
Worcester, MA - April 6, 2014
Now in its fifth year, the Worcester VegFest is a FREE festival that brings together Worcesterites to celebrate vegetarianism animal-friendly, environmentally sustainable, and healthy lifestyle. The event features socially responsible businesses, national inspiring speakers, free samples of tasty vegan food, and a vegan food court.
For more information, click here.
Misquamicut Springfest
Westerly, Rhode Island - May 9-11, 2014
Held at Misquamicut State Beach, SpringFest will include beer, blues, BBQ and rock & roll tent with entertainment throughout the week, a Ferris wheel and major rides, a petting zoo, pony rides and more. New this year: arts & crafts displays featuring local vendors. The event also includes fireworks on Friday night.
For more information, click here.
Nantucket Wine Festival
Nantucket Island, MA - May 14-18, 2014
What better reason to visit one of America’s most famous vacation islands? Come enjoy this boutique experience of world class wines and award winning food. Over the past 17 years, the Nantucket Wine Festival has become one of the most celebrated wine and food events in the country. You must be 21 or older to purchase tickets to events that include wine or spirits. Valid ID required for entry. The Opening Reception, Harbor Gala, La Fête and Grand Tastings are the heart and soul of the five day experience.
For more information, click here.
Art in the City Gala
Worcester, MA - May 9, 2014
Join the Family Health Center of Worcester on May 9 for an evening of art and entertainment featuring a great selection of original artwork created by dozens of local artists. The evening includes live music by the Kallin Johnson Trio with a cameo performance by Dale LePage, a live auction hosted by local celebrity Jen Carter from WXLO, a wide selection of gourmet hors d'oeuvres and much more. Whether you are new to the arts, an avid collector, or just out for a night of fun, don’t miss this celebration of the arts.
For more information, click here.
Sea Music Festival at Mystic Seaport
Mystic, Connecticut - June 12-15, 2014
In June, Mystic Seaport will host its annual Sea Music Festival, one of the world’s premier sea music events. Thousands of people gather each year to hear Mystic Seaport’s Chantey Staff along with performers from around the globe carry on the classic musical traditions of the Golden Age of Sail. Enjoy featured music from maritime cultures around the world, including the United Kingdom, Italy, Portugal, Australia, Iceland, Poland, Netherlands, France, Canada and Africa, as well as native peoples within the United States.
For more information, click here.
Annual Vermont Maple Festival
St. Albans, VT - April 25-27, 2014
This festival celebrates the state of Vermont’s signature product: pure Vermont maple. It offers maple exhibits, cooking demonstrations, sugarhouse tours and a maple buffet. Enjoy Main Street entertainment, pancake breakfasts, fiddlers’ and youth talent shows, a carnival, an historical museum, delightful downtown shops and a Grand Parade.
For more information, click here.
Antique Car Rally
Sturbridge, MA - June 1, 2014
In June, Old Sturbridge Village will host its annual Antique Car Rally. More than 50 pre-1946 automobiles will be showcased on the Common throughout the day and a grand procession of the autos will take place at 3:30 p.m.
For more information, click here.
Down East Spring Birding Festival
Cobscook Bay Area, ME - May 23-26, 2014
The Annual Down East Spring Birding Festival provides a unique experience in “the real Maine” where birders can get out on their own and observe a great variety of birds in diverse natural environments. The festival offers birders various self-guided explorations as well as guided hikes, boat tours, and presentations led by area experts. Over 400 bird species have been sighted in Maine, and almost three-quarters of them have been seen in the Cobscook Bay area.
For more information, click here.
Boston Jazz Week 2014
Boston, MA - April 21 - 30, 2014
Jazz Week is a collaborative, decentralized celebration of the music by the entire Greater Boston jazz community. This year’s event is being held one week earlier than usual – launching on Boston Marathon Day (also Patriot’s Day holiday). Once again Jazz Week will cover a 10-day period, ending on another special day – International Jazz Day, Wednesday, April 30.
For more information, click here.
Boothbay Annual Fisherman’s Festival
Boothbay Harbor, ME - April 25-27, 2014
Trap hauling, cod fish relay, old-fashioned fish fry, Miss Shrimp Princess Pageant, lobster crate race and other contests are all a part of this celebration of fishing in this beautiful mid-coast Maine town. Boothbay Harbor, in mid-coast Maine, boasts the largest fleet of excursion boats on the coast for viewing lighthouses, seals, islands, whales and puffins.
For more information, click here.
Brew Woo
Worcester, MA - April 19, 2014
On Saturday, April 19, The Ranch will present Worcesters Original Craft Beer Festival, Brew Woo. Now in its fourth year, the event will feature two sessions from 1:00pm to 4:00pm and 6:00pm to 9:00pm in the Convention Center of the DCU Center. The event will feature breweries with craft beers and local brews, live music, and several vendors.
Admission: $35.00; $30.00 in advance
For more information, click here.
Meriden Daffodil Festival
Meriden, CT - April 26-27, 2014
Outdoor family festival with more than 600,000 daffodils on display (61 different varieties) in the 1,800-acre historic Hubbard Park. Events include parade, juried crafts show, three stages of entertainment, fireworks, amusement area and food tent.
For more information, click here.
Annual Cape Cod Maritime Festival
Cape Cod, MA - May 19 – June 21, 2014
The month-long event will include a variety of Cape-wide maritime-themed activities, including guided kayak excursions, lighthouse and walking tours, nautical art exhibits, the Annual Cape Cod Maritime History Symposium at the Cape Cod Museum of Natural History, the Wellfleet Harborfest and Nautical Flea Market and more. Maritime Days will culminate with the Annual Cape Cod Quahog Day on the Cape Cod Canal on June 21st.
For more information, click here.
Newport Craft Beer Festival
Newport, RI - April 26
The 3rd annual Newport Craft Beer Festival will be held at the Great Friends Meeting House Lawn. Every brewery in Rhode Island will be in attendance as well as many from New England and all over the US. The event will also feature a home brewing demonstration, live music and food from local restaurants.
For more information, click here.
