Why You Freeze When Pumping Gas in RI, Guest MINDSETTER™ Hinckley

Why You Freeze When Pumping Gas in RI, Guest MINDSETTER™ Hinckley

In the summer, pumping gas, it’s just a nuisance having to stand there holding the nozzle while the rest of the industrialized world uses “hold-open clips” to fill their tanks. However, here in Rhode Island, in the winter, let alone during a Polar Vortex, it’s downright brutal that the powers that be force us to stand there and freeze to death while pumping gas, for no apparent reason.  

Well actually there is a reason, and as with all overly intrusive and ineffective governments, it’s the safety excuse.  Not safety from other people or disease…safety from ourselves.

The experts on Smith Hill think we are too stupid and careless to pump gas the same way we pump it while visiting all other states in the Union where “hold open clips” are allowed and operate without incident. Much larger states with much larger populations have no problems, go figure.  Even Massachusetts, the state that loves to make laws more than Tom Brady likes to win Super Bowls, figured out in 2014 that they were essentially trying to legislate against getting struck by lightning with the law against “hold open clips”.

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The repealed ban on hold open clips went “Rec” in Massachusetts on January 1, 2015, and oddly the state hasn’t exploded yet.  This act of compassion by the Massachusetts legislature in behalf of its citizens, leaves Rhode Island standing virtually alone, in the freezing cold and carrying the torch, (no pun intended), of gas pump safety.

Here’s the issue they are saving us from: Ass-Static.

Yes, you heard me right, Ass-Static. The logic behind the laws goes that when you engage the “hold open clip” and retreat to your vehicle during a Polar Vortex to avoid frostbite, death or a good winter hammering…after said retreat, while exiting the vehicle, there is a slight possibility, similar to getting struck by lighting, that you will drag your ass slowly and firmly across the seat, making the exact amount of static electricity created by your 7th grade science teacher in lab class, which, upon hastily grabbing the nozzle, (because you’re freezing) to remove it from said vehicle, the static electricity will travel up from your ass, into your hand, discharge through the nozzle, down the spout, into the tank and KABOOM…you will explode and kill yourself.  

You know, you see this all the time on the news…right?  In fact older people who struggle pumping gas in cold temperatures have been identified as particular threats by the legislature, as they tend to move at the exact pace and pressure across car seats creating this dangerous ass-static.

Forty-eight other “clip legal” states, 300 million people…oddly no ass static explosions, but here in Rhode Island we are hanging on to this safety issue like we are hanging on to “and Providence Plantations”.

So my bet is, following the long-held tradition of copying everything Massachusetts does, long after it was cool to do it… we’ve got about five more years and 50,000 thousand people saying, “screw this… me and my moohla are going to Florida, see you suckas in June”…until they get around to taking a look at this important piece of legislation…you know “we gotta make sure it works in Massachusetts first…let’s give it a decade”.

After all, it’s a really big state we are running here…lots of stuff to do before we can repeal a stupid bill that actually makes life better for the average Rhode Islander…so in the meantime if you need some clips installed at the local Cumbie’s, and you don’t want to wait another decade…I gotta guy…

Barry Hinckley is a Newport businessman and ran for the United State Senate.