Tom Finneran: Dummies on Smartphones

Tom Finneran, GoLocalProv MINDSETTER™

Tom Finneran: Dummies on Smartphones

Photo: Flickr/ Jhaymesisviphotograpy
The stories jump out at you. Amazing stupidity isn’t it? And you yourself have probably been a witness to more than a few of these bumps in broad daylight……………………….

Taiwan Tourist

The topic is smartphones. As an inanimate object they’re pretty cool. Yet in the hands of a dummy they’re almost as dangerous as a live grenade. A story about a Taiwanese tourist in Melbourne, Australia caught my eye. Apparently this woman, who could not swim by the way, sauntered down a pier while checking her Facebook page. So engrossed was she in the sheer importance of her tweets and her likes and her photos that she walked right off the pier into the cold ocean water. Sixty feet deep by the way……

Of course she showed a Super Bowl mentality by holding onto the phone for dear life. Please tell me what event of such cosmic importance would cause a non-swimmer to be so oblivious around lots and lots of deep ocean water? Pray tell? And aren’t there a lot of big hungry sharks around Melbourne?

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Scooter Boy

A second article in the Scientific American seems to confirm my suspicions that there has been a colossal outbreak of colossal stupidity on the part of Smartphone users. The author there shares a story of some fool he has named “Scooter Boy”, who, by now, is probably dead with a cause of death determined as terminal idiocy. “Scooter Boy” caught the author’s attention back in 2010 as he “drove” a scooter down a busy Florida road while texting with both hands! That gives new meaning to the words “hands-free” doesn’t it? Not only did he have neither hand on the handlebars of the scooter…….he also had ear buds blocking out all warning sound from his helmetless and apparently brainless head. How would you like being Scooter Boy’s life insurance company?

Come to think of it, if I could become Scooter Boy’s beneficiary, I’d have very little to say. I’d probably even cheer him on. I’d cherish the memory of his stupidity while toasting the health of friends on my yacht in St. Lucia.

Statistics on Stupidity 

Apparently Scooter Boy is not alone in his behavior. The Scientific American article goes on to say that hospital emergency room visits for injuries sustained while “walking” have begun to soar. In 2004 there were approximately 550 emergency room visits for people who had walked into things while on the phone. In 2010 the number of such visits has more than tripled! And this has happened while other types of emergency room visits are down.

I suspect that the real numbers are probably considerably higher. After all, not every injury triggers a trip to the emergency room. And even folks as oblivious as Scooter Boy and the Taiwan tourist might suffer from some dimension of acute embarrassment in relating the causes of their mishaps. So some probably choose to suffer in silence, the poor dears.

Men vs. Women

The statistics also tell us something we all know—that is that boys, really men, aged 16-25, are the dumbest creatures on the planet. Men apparently suffer these hilarious injuries at the highest rates of frequency. I expect a looming tide of groin injuries and perhaps future infertility as such men encounter the inconvenient height of fire hydrants. Ouch.

Our sisters however are not quite MENSA candidates themselves in this realm of self-inflicted injury………thus, a British woman walked right into a canal while talking to her boyfriend on her phone. Ditto an American girl who fell into a river in Indiana while chatting with her Romeo. And shopping mall pools seem to be an equal opportunity hazard, bathing equivalent numbers of males and females who lose track of their surroundings and then tumble into the drink. Henceforth, the mall operators will probably have to hire lifeguards for these clowns.

Beyond Scooter Boy, I would award the grand prize to some guy in Texas who apparently drove off a bridge right after sending a message saying “I need to quit texting”. Indeed you do young man, indeed you do. Lesson learned I presume, but if not, I’d be happy to be named his beneficiary…………….


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