Newport Manners & Etiquette: Asking for A Raise, How to Host A Dinner Party + More

Newport Manners & Etiquette: Asking for A Raise, How to Host A Dinner Party + More

Readers asked practical questions this week to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners about how to ask for a raise, host a dinner party, and how to know when you're on a first name basis with an older person, and What's the best 2018 Newport bridal gown?

How To Ask For A Raise

Q.  How do I go about getting a raise in salary? I've worked for two years and not received an increase, nor a promotion nor any additional compensation. I work overtime when I have to get my job done on time. I like my job, but it is a startup company without a Human Resources department to go to for advice. I'm not confrontational because I'm constantly being cradled into complacency when I'm told that my work is exceptional and appreciated. But those praises are not reflected in my paycheck. I happen to know that three of my male coworkers recently received raises. What really ticks me off is that I recently completed a certificate process in my field that these coworkers don't have. Name Withheld, Providence.

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A.  The gender gap is real, especially when it comes to paychecks, but it is slowly shrinking. I'm not asking you to wait it out, if anything, I want you to create a sales pitch - but you'll need to do some research.  

Figure out your pitch to your boss. The onus is on you to prove that you deserve a raise in salary. Start by preparing your pitch.

• Make sure you've had an end to the year 2017 job review. If you didn't get one, ask for one and for specific performance-review goals. Find out what is expected of you.
• Ask what's different about your work from that of the coworkers who did get a raise and what it would take to bring you to parity.
• If represented by a union and you work on a contract, find out where you are on the pay scale.
• Research salaries in your line of work at several online sources.
• Check the Bureau of Labor Statistics that oversees a thousand occupations.

 

Then practice:

• Now that you're ready to practice your sales pitch, start by reciting it, alone, in front of the mirror, before cajoling a colleague or friend to critique your pitch.
• Give examples of instances where you've shined to remind your boss that you are worthy of a raise. 
• Remember you're not asking for a special present, only compensation for your work.

Once you're confident that your arguments are valid:

Email your boss for an appointment to discuss your work.
Set up a time to meet by suggesting two different days, and let her/him set the exact time of the meeting.

Should your boss turn down your request for a raise:

• Don't back down, stay firm.
• Be prepared to suggest other duties you are willing to handle to meet your salary requirements.
• Request that you and s/he revisit your request for a raise in six months.
• Ask for a bonus or stock options.
• Suggest training opportunities that would make you even better skilled at your job.
• At the end of the day, if you're not receiving the compensation you feel you deserve, look for another company. But don't give up your current job until you have a better one.

 

Knowing When to Use A First Name

Q. When is it appropriate to call your elders by their first name?  OP, Chicago

 

A. Thanks for your great question about when it's appropriate to call your elders by their first name.

Of course, it could depend upon the age difference between you, as well as the nature of the relationship. 

Protocol would be that you would wait until the older person asked you to call her or him by their first name.

There are exceptions: when the elder is your relative or a long-time friend. 

• You've known your friend's parents since you were a small child and always called your friend's mom Charlotte and the dad Charles.

 

Often with parents of friends, take the cue from the formality of their friend's relationship with their parents as to how their parents wish to be addressed. 

• If your friend calls them "mother" and "father," then you would probably call them Mrs. Brown or Mr. Brown, unless asked to do so otherwise. 
• On the other hand, if your friends call their parents Dick and Jane, no doubt you're already calling them Dick or Jane.

 

In a situation where the older person is your employer, you would wait to be invited by Mrs. Brown to call her by her first name. 

Or if a fellow employee says, "It's alright to call the boss George. He likes us to call him by his first name."

When in doubt, go by the standard of protocol until the person has said to you, "Oliver, please call me Didi." 

• When you've known the older person a lengthy time, and you're not an employee, it is perfectly acceptable to ask, "May I call you Didi?"
• Or a future daughter-in-law might say to her mother-in-law, "What would you like me to call you?" Then the mother-in-law would say, "Please, call me, Louise."

 

If, say, you think your mother's known your girlfriend long enough to be on a first name basis and you want Zoe to call your mother by her first name, suggest to your mother that she tells your girlfriend to, "Please, call me Louise."

Any further questions? We're here to help.

Wining and Dining The In-Laws

Q.  We invited my future in-laws for dinner. What is the procedure for a proper dinner party? They are very stiff and formal and coming from another culture, I need to know how to make a good impression. My fiancé says I have to relax, but I feel that everything I do will be scrutinized. Name Withheld, Jersey City, NJ

A.  Start by creating your menu (if possible two weeks in advance). Recreate a menu that you've had success with in the past. Make a list of the ingredients you'll need for the evening. Figure out what china, flatware, glasses, serving utensils and linens you'll use to set the table. Don't forget candles and a centerpiece. Once you start envisioning the picture of your dinner party in your mind, you'll feel less stressed.

Two days to go:

• Two days prior to the dinner, be sure you have all of your ingredients.
• Put your fiancé in charge of beverages, including wine other alcoholic beverages they might ask for. 
• He can also be responsible for ice, filling ice cube trays, and making a playlist.
• Ahead of time, prepare as much as you can. A dip, dessert, soup can all be made the day before.
• He or you should double-check with his parents to make sure you know exactly what time they plan to arrive.

 

It goes without saying that your fiancé would have given you the heads up about any dietary needs. For instance, if either of your future in-laws are watching their salt, sugar, or diary intake. If one is vegan, be sure to serve extra salad and vegetables.

 

One day to go:

The day before the dinner party, tidy up the rooms that your in-laws will see. If they're putting their coats in your bedroom, tidy it up. Whatever bathroom they'll be using should be pristine with fresh soap and clean hand towels.
Arrange the flowers for the centerpiece or in the living room.

Day of the dinner party:

• In the morning, set your table and lay out on the kitchen counter all the utensils and equipment that you'll be using to make dinner.
• Empty the dishwasher. Remove all garbage and anything in the wastebaskets.
• If your fiancé is cooking with you, go over who will do what when.
• Have your bar and snack area ready next. Cheeses should be room temperature, wine and beer chilled.

 

Two hours prior to your in-law's arrival:

• Arrange the pots, pans and utensils needed for cooking.
• Take out previously prepared foods so you know where they are and don't forget to put them on the table.
• Place bottled water or a pitcher of water on the dining table.
• Take a twenty minute break to get ready for the evening leaving your fiancé to welcome your in-laws should they arrive early.
• Have him light the candles and start the playlist. Music will soothe your guests as they settle into the lovely scene you've created.

 

Seating:

• Ahead of time, you'll have figured out what time you're seating the table and who sits where.
• Your fiancé can do the seating, pulling out the chair to your right for his mother and motioning for his father to sit between you and his son facing his wife. (You never seat spouses next to each other.)
• You would give the signal for everyone to start eating by picking up your utensil first after having placed your napkin in your lap.

 

On a personal note, once you get into the swing of having a dinner party, you'll develop creative ideas about how to garnish the plate of cheese with red grapes and and a stem of rosemary, or whatever. Having color on every plate is important visually because it's more inviting than staring at a plate of bland looking food. Parsley, herbs, fruit, even edible flowers will perk up any table. Working as a team, you'll be able to plan ahead as to who does what and when. Don't get into the routine of waiting on everyone. Decide ahead of time, he clears while you plate the next course, or vice versa.

 

 

Newport Wedding Dress 2018

Important for the wedding registry: While cleaning up after the in-laws are out the door, recap the evening. What was good and what could have been better.? Cast no aspirations. Don't take it personally, because the two of you are responsible for the evening. You might even make a list of utensils, linens, servicing pieces, etc. to add to your wedding registry.

 

Q.  What bridal gowns are trending in 2018? We're trying to put a couple of styles together as options for me to wear at my wedding this summer in Newport?   Alison, Providence

A.  In Newport, we love this Carolina Herrera 2018 bridal gown! Romantic and subtly seductive. It's so, so, so Newport. Stay tuned, next week you'll find another favorite.

 

Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners for her upcoming book. Ask a question now  NewportManners.